Thursday, March 17, 2011

Thankful for Netflixs

So... real quick update.  I had my first round of the Rituxin infusion on Tuesday.  It started at 6:30 am, although earlier than previous ones, I liked this time as it got me in and out quicker since not too many people chose that time.  This was the quickest infusion at only 5 hours.  Something I can handle.  I watched two movies, and made small talk with a lovely lady sitting next to me.

I'm thankful that Chris took this whole week off.  He had Spring Break from classes, so we decided to take some you and me time... MUCH NEEDED.  We've watched movies, gone out to dinner, etc.  Its been great.

I'm feeling fairly decent after my infusion, although I was EXTREMELY tired.  I got a little sick that night, nausea, etc. but today I feel fairly good.

I'm thankful that my next round of infusion is in two weeks, and actually my mom is coming up for that one to give Chris a little bit of a break.  I haven't seen my mom since Christmas... mother/daughter time is much needed.

Spring is finally starting here in Minnesota.  Its been in the upper 40's/50's this week.  My joints are thankful! :)  The snow is slowly melting... hopefully in a few weeks it'll be comepletely gone!

My entire family is in Charelston right now, jealous they have 70's and its suppose to get up into the 80's!  Here's hoping Spring comes quickly.  Although, I will admit I'm already to migrat South, and I think Chris is officially on-board as well.  Two more years of school, and who knows what'll happen! :)

Hope the sun is shining in your household.


Saturday, March 5, 2011

Greatful for Friends

Based on my previous posts, you can see that I was in a little bit of a "funk."  Rest assured, I'm doing a little better.  I still have all the feelings previously posted, but I'm REALLY TRYING REALLY hard to focus on the positive! :)

I'm so grateful for friends and family.  It's honestly what helps me get by from day to day.  Whether its waking up to a text message from my dear friend Heather Dunman or venturing out to Prior Lake last night to celebrate one of Chris' dear friend's birthday.  It helps to hear others laughter, and I find my self joining in and GENUINELY enjoying life.

So THANK YOU to Heather Prins, AJ Prins, Jake Weisberg, Matt Hermann, and crew for an amazing evening!  I was in a PURE FUNK and you all allowed me to smile and enjoy a wonderful evening with good food and amazing friends! I'm grateful Chris is friends with you all, which has allowed me to become friends with all of you!

Old school pics are in order! :) haha
I think this was at Gamma Phi Formal... Chris, me, Heather and AJ

Some of the guys at our wedding! :)

Chris and AJ (he was Chris' best man)--> Happy Birthday! :)

Friday, March 4, 2011

Dear God...

Dear God,

I sit hear talking to you tonight with a heavy heart.  My hands hurt, my eyelids have the rashes forming, and every time I look in the mirror I'm reminded of what I've been through, of what I've put my husband and family through.

Will my face ever go back to normal?  Will the scars that were formed from the steroids ever diminish from my stomach?  Will I ever feel healthy again?  Not so tired all the time?  Will I ever be able to look at myself in the mirror again and actually like what I see?

I pray I find the inner strength to continue the fight and journey that I am on, but after two and a half years of fighting, I'm tired.  I know the infusion helps me, make me feel better.  I know I need it to keep on living, but I just don't want to do it.  It's exhausting to think that I have to do them every 5 months now.  I don't want to be "sick" anymore.

Everyone tells me to keep looking back at where I was, but its so hard.  The finish line seems so far away.  I know there is some plan, some lesson and that I have no control.  But its so hard to let go and realize you have a plan for me.

Everyone my age is looking at trips to plan, looking at career moves or starting families.  It's so hard to think of the future, as I don't know what that is going to be.  Will we have kids, or will Chris and I end up that old couple where their animals are their kids?  Will we stay in Minnesota or move south to warmer weather?  So many questions, with no answers anywhere in sight.

I pray for strength and peace and for the courage to let all "decision making" and "plans" be guided by you.  I pray my heart can "lighten" a little bit and allow me to focus on the little things in life that are enjoyable, rather than focusing on the "bigger picture" that is oh so scary.

I finally ask, for friends and family to pray for me as I soul search through this time to figure out what life is going to be like. 

Amen.  Good night.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Thankful for Sunshine

"Oh Happy Day" has been in my head all day.  I'm so thankful that there was WARM sunshine pouring through our windows today.  LOVE LOVE LOVE.  It made the day so much nicer!  Since it's March 1st, I feel that Spring is in sight!  I want to say GOOD BYE to snow and freezing cold weather for another year... here is hoping that we actually get a Spring up here!

Things have been fairly well on the health front.  I still have my occasional down times, or sore moments each day, but I have made a conscious effort to keep our house clean the past few weeks, and what do you know, I have actually succeeded.  My mother would be so proud that I have continued making my bed!

March is a great month, but a little hectic on the health front.  In two weeks I met with a urologist, have my first infusion, then I meet with Dr. Fontana the next week and follow the month out with my last infusion.  I'm looking forward to having all of them done, but luckily April and May I get a little break from the appointments and just have one or two.

I keep trying to focus on the positives.  Chris has "Spring Break" in a week and a half and he is taking the WHOLE week off from work, then my friend Jess is coming up during that week for the night!  So pumped.  I round out March with my mom coming up for my second infusion (pssst... I haven't seen her in over 3 months, the longest I have EVER gone and it'll NEVER happen again :)) and finally the second weekend in April is Marisa's baby shower that we're hosting for her.  MANY MANY wonderful blessings and positive things!

So yes... here is my positive, happy blog!  Oh... did I mention I got PEEPS and I think this sparked the whole HAPPINESS! :)  I LOVE Easter candy and YES it can fit into my diet! :)

Hopefully everyone is gearing up for Spring!

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