I sit hear talking to you tonight with a heavy heart. My hands hurt, my eyelids have the rashes forming, and every time I look in the mirror I'm reminded of what I've been through, of what I've put my husband and family through.
Will my face ever go back to normal? Will the scars that were formed from the steroids ever diminish from my stomach? Will I ever feel healthy again? Not so tired all the time? Will I ever be able to look at myself in the mirror again and actually like what I see?
I pray I find the inner strength to continue the fight and journey that I am on, but after two and a half years of fighting, I'm tired. I know the infusion helps me, make me feel better. I know I need it to keep on living, but I just don't want to do it. It's exhausting to think that I have to do them every 5 months now. I don't want to be "sick" anymore.
Everyone tells me to keep looking back at where I was, but its so hard. The finish line seems so far away. I know there is some plan, some lesson and that I have no control. But its so hard to let go and realize you have a plan for me.
Everyone my age is looking at trips to plan, looking at career moves or starting families. It's so hard to think of the future, as I don't know what that is going to be. Will we have kids, or will Chris and I end up that old couple where their animals are their kids? Will we stay in Minnesota or move south to warmer weather? So many questions, with no answers anywhere in sight.
I pray for strength and peace and for the courage to let all "decision making" and "plans" be guided by you. I pray my heart can "lighten" a little bit and allow me to focus on the little things in life that are enjoyable, rather than focusing on the "bigger picture" that is oh so scary.
I finally ask, for friends and family to pray for me as I soul search through this time to figure out what life is going to be like.
Amen. Good night.
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