One BIG Question Mark

So, since its really cold here in Minnesota and going outside makes me feel worse, I have had a lot of time to be stuck in the four walls, also known has my house. Its become somewhat depressing. I try to do little things to cheer myself up, but with the cold weather, comes the achy muscles and its hard to do TOO much. Which leads me to this post. I've had a lot of time to think. Think about the big question mark known as my life. Which has lead to me thinking about what life was like before I got sick...

I think back to over three years ago. I was working as a catering manager for a hotel... I absolutely LOVED the people I worked with. I loved parts of my job and didn't like some. It was my first job, that I started two weeks after graduating college. I learned I loved social catering, manly I loved working with weddings. I'd always thought/dreamed of being a wedding planner, but didn't know if once I got into it I wouldn't like it. I was actually wanting to do MORE with the weddings. I had a fun office, where the majority of people I really enjoyed seeing every day.

I was planning my wedding to Chris, and thinking of the future. We were looking into buying a house and making plans. I'm a big planner. We had our plan figured out... kids, work goals, etc. All of plans have been completely thrown out the door. Our future is one big question mark. So a planner has become a "I need to just seize the moment." I went from living with 60 girls in college (i.e. sorority), to living by myself but working everyday with females, to hanging with a cat the majority of the day... ALL DAY. It amazes me how different my life has become... how sedentary.

Its hard to think about what life will be like in a year or two. Technically right now, I am normal per my blood levels. Why do I not feel normal? Why do I still feel so unhealthy and sick?  I know I'm milestones compared to last year or even the year before that, but my blood levels weren't even close to normal. The big question mark I keep thinking is... is this going to get any better, or is this how I'm going to feel the rest of my life??? A lot of people have asked what I do all day and what my "normal" feeling is. So, I thought I might as well lay it out.

How I feel every day? Well, I wake up, after needing at least 12 hours of sleep. I usually have a hard time walking, as my muscles are super stiff and painful. The first thing I do is take pain medicine. I then bundle up, as usually its cold and my fingers/toes start to turn blue from the raynauds. I then go eat a bowl of cheerios and yogurt for breakfast/lunch as by the time I get up its usually around noon. I tend to watch tv for 2 hours or so as it takes that long for my muscles to start relaxing, stretching. Depending on the day I might have some coughing fits, or upset stomachs from all of the medicine I take. I usually then try to get at least something done, whether that's one load of laundry or the dishes. Something little everyday at least helps keep our house away from total mayhem. Then I usually curl up, if its sunny, in our front guest bedroom with Hannity and read a book. This is my view... not too bad. I'm lucky my kitty acts as my own personal heating pad.

Some days I'm more energetic than others, a lot of it depends on the cold. I try to work on craft projects and I do talk to my mom at least once a day. I spread out my phone conversations with friends, so I talk to a friend at least once of week, it usually brings a smile to my face. Although I will admit a friend on the phone, doesn't substitute having a friend near by. But, I get by.

24/7 it hurts to walk, hurts to move my hands, feels like my throat is closing and it burns to breathe. I know technically the numbers say I'm better, but when I first got sick I thought better would be back to my normal, hyper self. Now, I'm realizing, better is not having a temperature and able to walk decent.

I'm not trying to throw a pity party. Its something I'm actually coming to terms with. But so many people have said to me lately, well now you're healthy. I don't think the word healthy will be able to describe me ever again. Am I better than I was a year ago? You betcha. But I still live in that bubble, the bubble that I know at any moment I could get really sick, or my medicine could wear off. The littlest cold can put me down for the count for a week or more.  I won't even go into the more depressing scenarios.

I know the quote tell God your plans and make him laugh, or something like that. But, what if you feel like you have no plans, no direction??? Its something I've been pondering.  I think its frustrating as well, as I don't really have anyone in my life going through the same thing.  Chris gets it, but thats because he's right along there with me.  Hopefully the warm, Spring weather will bring some resolutions to my thoughts.

On a lighter note, Chris and I were able to enjoy a Valentine's dinner on Saturday and then Chris had to study Monday night, so I just cooked a home cooked meal. Here are my two valentines :) Yes, my kitty did try to get into the envelope, and yes I realize it is the little things in life that make me get by.