So... its been kind of a tough week. This blog is a little hard to write, but when I started this thing I made a pact to myself to be completely honest and how I'm feeling physically and emotionally. I kind of hard an emotional break down this week. It seems that I've been more emotional as of lates. I chalk this up to the fact that in 2009 I was so physically sick, thats all I focused on... getting through the physical pain. All of the emotional things that were going on in our lives were pushed to the side. So since I'm feeling better, it seems as if the flood of emotions in dealing with my disease have started to poor on.
A lot of times I push the feelings aside and bottle them up, but in the end I know I need to talk about them and come to terms with them. So many times I do not want to complain because I know there are people that are far worse off than me... but coming to terms with the issues I have I've realized is part of the healing process. I'm thankful to have a husband and a mother that I can openly talk to about this and not feel like I'm complaining. So hear it goes... a glimpse of what is going on in my heart and mind-- you may continue reading as long as you don't feel sorry for me, that's not the goal. :)
So many times I sit here during the day by myself and look at how many things/experiences were taken away from me and Chris. My disease took away our honeymoon and our entire newlywed life. Our first year and a half of marriage as been filled with doctor appointments, cancer scares, infusions, fevers, muscle pain, and the feeling of the "unknown." A lot of times I feel immense guilt that I have "wrecked" Chris' life. I know he doesn't feel this way, but its hard to not think about "what could of been." Your newlywed life is about experiencing new things together, going on trips and meeting new people. A lot of times last year we were lucky if we could even get me out of the house.
Another thing that I'm struggling with is the fact okay... now what. The disease took away my career and I know I'll never be able to go back to a 9-5 job, if anything. In this regards I feel lost. Chris always says that my "job" is to get better, but I can't help but wonder, what if I don't??? With a chronic disease and a weak immune system there are so many risk factors that you just never know what the next month will bring, let alone the next day.
One of the more difficult things to come to terms with has been the physical aspect... the disease has completely taken over my body. Filled with 50 pounds of fluid, it will take a long time for it to come down. Many times I can barely look in the mirror... it just doesn't look like me. Along with the fact that I might never be able to carry a child, it just been hard to cope with. The last one is a more sensitive issue that I haven't quite been able to cope with... just yet.
I find that all of things I have felt, but bottled up. Wednesday night, I just started to cry, at first not knowning why, but then the emotions began to poor in and I finally really sat down and let everything out. Even ones I "knew were stupid." I even allowed myself to get mad about it... first time.
This past weekend we were with my parents and saw some family friends, that are literally like an aunt and uncle to me... everyone commented on how "the old maggie is back"... I guess I never I had left the building though. They all talked about how I had that glimmer back in my eye and that spark of spasticness. I guess it never occurred to me that my personality had changed a little bit... I knew the physical part had, just didn't really realize what I was showcasing from the inside as well. I use to think I did a pretty good job of covering up if I didn't feel well... I guess it goes to show you that the people that really know you can always tell.
I know God has a purpose and I just need to trust in him... but after a year and a half of fighting its hard not to waiver a little bit. I feel much better expressing these emotions. I guess I never really did due to the thought of "being weak" or "ungrateful" for what I do have and can do.
I've been overwhelmed with the support from most and the lack of support from a few. Most people have told me this blog has really helped them understand what I'm going through and has provided them with a glimpse of what goes on in my daily life. Others have told me that is an "impersonal" way to get information across. Well todays blog is probably the most personal one and I'll be honest, I feel good after writing this all out. So, if the blog only accomplishes healing for me, thats good enough for me to keep typing. Phew... I think I need a drink after that... oh wait it's only 1 pm... but isn't the saying its 5 o'clock somewhere??? Anyways... Cheers for a great Spring Friday!
1... The fact that Liz and Heather will be here TOMORROW from Des Moines!!!!
2... Get together tomorrow night with Heather, Liz, Trisha, Nicole and Seth... can't wait to have yummy food, laughs, drinks and good memories!
3... The thought of Chris coming home early! :)
4... We got to celebrate Easter Sunday with my parents and in bettendorf.
5... 60 degree weather
6... Girl scout thin mint cookies
7... Date night with my husband
8... The listening skills of my husband
9... Hair cut appointments... so relaxing
10... Wearing flip flops!